


It's not suicide if I'm already dead

by usedupshiver



Category: Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Character Death, M/M, Palladium Poisoning, Suicide, Terminal Illnesses, The Author Regrets Everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-19
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-15 15:00:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4611090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/usedupshiver/pseuds/usedupshiver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki is talked into visiting his former lover, while there is still time. He has no idea how little time there is really left.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's not suicide if I'm already dead

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really sorry. I have no idea why I even did this to myself. It just had to be written. Apparently.  
> Please don't hate me, I just needed to share the misery.

It had been just over three years and two months since Loki last entered Stark Tower. Then he had done so as Tony's boyfriend. He had left as an ex, and never returned. They had both managed to cut each other up badly; it had been what they were both good at in the end - using words to tear one another apart.

Loki wasn't really sure why he was coming back now.

Yes, the old wounds had healed, he had moved on, and he could remember Tony fondly again. After all, they hadn't been all vicious words - there had been almost two years of the most intensely ecstatic love Loki had ever known and probably would ever know, and over five years of deepening friendship before that. A part of his heart would probably always belong to Tony Stark, no matter what. But he had still never planned on coming back. Until Thor had more or less begged him on his knees to come see his former lover. While there was still time.

The cool, level voice belonging to Jarvis hadn't changed since last time, greeting him as easily as if Loki had visited just yesterday. He suspected Tony wouldn't react that way. At least the AI agreed to let him enter the elevator that led straight up to the penthouse, so Tony wasn't refusing to see him altogether. That was something, even though he wasn't sure what exactly Thor expected him to achieve that none of them had been able to.

He found the suite looking much the same as it had three years ago, the same clean, elegant interior, the same dark wood and gray colours, the same mindblowing view. It was also empty, but as Jarvis made the door to the wide, sweeping balcony swing open, Loki noticed a shape huddled up in a recliner outside. A much smaller shape than he had expected, somehow.

When he had walked out onto the balcony, stepping closer, he knew that hadn't been something he imagined. Even with a thick blanket draped arund his shoulders, it was plain to see that Tony was a lot thinner than he had been, the hands resting in his lap almost bony, and it was painful to see then like that, when what Loki remembered was wide palms and strong, blunt fingers holding on to him. And yet, his face was the most heartbreaking. Under the usual mess of dark hair, so much the same even with more silvery strands, Loki had somehow expected to see the same face, but he didn't. Tony's brown eyes were even bigger than they used to be in the sunken features, the warm glow in them dulled, the lines on his face deeply etched, and he looked tired. So tired.

Tony turned that worn face on Loki when he came closer, and managed a slight quirk of a smile. ”Hey there”, he muttered, words wavering a little, his breath not quite enough to carry the sound. ”I see the ghost of relationships past made a show today. Or am I the ghost? I'm not sure anymore.”

”Hi, Tony.” Loki sank down on the chair next to his. ”I heard you weren't doing so well.”

The smile quirked a little higher at that. ”Me? Nah, things are looking up now. Everything's gonna be fine.”

”Really?” Loki threw a glance at the glass railing lining the balcony, offering a clear view of Manhattan. ”Are you planning to jump?” It was probably a completely insensitive and inappropriate thing to say. It was just the blunt way they had always spoken to each other, and it seemed to come back whether he wanted to or not.

Tony huffed something that might have been a laugh on a better day. ”I know I've always been a self-centered bastard”, he said, and Loki felt a twinge of pain when he recognized what had been part of his own parting words to Tony three years earlier. ”But I'd prefer not to leave that kind of mess behind, even so.”

”So you really are planning on ending it?”

The dull, dark eyes narrowed, the tension creating many sharp lines between his eyebrows. ”Who told on me?”

”Thor. He asked me to come talk some sense into you.” Loki hadn't really been able to believe what his brother was saying. It had seemed so impossible - Tony Stark planning to kill himself. Tony Stark, who never gave up on anything.

”Huh. How about that...?” The lines between Tony's brows smoothed out as he half-smiled again. ”He must have been really desperate, to come to you for help.”

”I think they all are, Tony.”

”They. Not you.” It wasn't a question.

”I didn't know I needed to be until he called”, Loki said, not letting it get to him. Not just yet. ”I never thought you would do something like that.”

Tony gave him a long look. ”Well”, he muttered at last, ”you've always had a pair of sharp eyes in that pretty head of yours, so I'm sure you can tell things aren't exactly peachy.” He glanced away, jaw muscles flexing, and Loki wasn't sure if he turned his head only to look away, or in part to show off the black marks clawing their way up the side of his neck, in under his jawline, one even marring the skin of his sunken, pale cheek. ”It's actually even more uncomfortable than it looks, if you'd believe it. I can feel this shit burning in my veins and bones every second.” Tony turned back to him, and looked even more weary than before. ”Checking out early was never the plan, and trust me, I have tried everything and then some. But enough is enough.”

Silence settled between them for a while, nothing but the noises from the city below, and the breeze around them.

”The way I figured, it's not suicide if I'm already dead.” Tony was staring right out into nothing when he spoke up again. ”And I am. At this point it's just a matter of time and pain – not a lot of the former and far too fucking much of the latter.”

Loki allowed it to sink in, and was almost surprised at how badly it hurt when he did.

”How?” His voice nearly broke, and he had to clear his throat. ”If you're not jumping.”

”Got my hands on some... stuff. Jarvis has been running tests and simulations and it's going to work out great. I'll just go to sleep and never wake back up and that's that.” He gave Loki a soft smile, and then looked out over the jagged skyline. ”I hadn't watched the sunset in 423 days, according to J, so I figured I'd get a last one in, just for good measure.”

”A last one?” The ache in Loki's heart got a little worse still.

Frowning, Tony glanced back. ”Yeah? I thought you said Thor sent you to talk me out of it.”

”He did, but he didn't say...” Loki swallowed. ”I didn't know it was to happen tonight.”

”Oh. Well. Shit. Sorry?” Tony didn't sound very sorry, though, just resigned. Which was an odd thing to hear from him, indeed. ”I thought that was why you were here. Not that it matters. I mean, you're not going to change my mind. But then again, I'm sure you knew _that_ already.”

They fell silent, watching the afternoon sun slowly start to hide behind skyscrapers.

”Guess you sort of wasted your time getting dragged into this, but since you're here, maybe you'd -” Tony cut himself off. ”No, you know what? Forget it.”

”No, tell me.” Loki leaned a bit closer, elbows on his knees.

”I shouldn't. It's a really shitty thing to ask of anyone, even more to ask of someone not even in my life anymore. Forget it.”

It didn't take long for Loki to understand. ”You want me to stay.”

Tony hesitated, but then slumped even more in his chair, giving up all pretense. ”Yeah.” It was a sigh. ”I do. At least for a little while. Not 'til it's all over or anything. Just... It'd be nice not to fall asleep alone, for once.”

Loki blinked. ”You're telling me Tony Stark has been lacking bedmates?”

Tony threw him an odd look, and then gave a weak, wheezing chuckle that Loki found himself hating the sound of. That wasn't right. Tony should be all invincible grins and bright, warm laughs. Not this.

”Is something funny?”

”No”, Tony said, catching his breath. ”No, it's actually really damn sad. But I've cried enough over it, so laugh is really all I can do now. It's just... I mean it's three years since you walked out and still there's this part of me that believes you know everything about my life. So... I forget it's over, sometimes.” He sighed. ”Anyway. No-one else has slept a night in that bed since you left.”

All Loki could do was stare.

”I mean I tried the one night stand thing again, a couple of times, but I ended up throwing them out before they even got close to the bedroom.”

Silence again. And then Loki reached out across the space between their chairs and curled his fingers around Tony's brittle-looking ones. They felt dry and just as fragile as they looked.

”Why didn't you ever call me?”

For a little while the hand in his was limp, then Tony's fingers weakly grasped his in turn. ”Loki, you walked out of here over three years ago after calling me a 'self-centered bastard who didn't love anything better than being alone with himself'. It took me almost a year to even start getting over what we had, and right when I thought I might be able to actually talk to you again, this shit started getting bad. And I... I couldn't. I couldn't drag you into my life again just to be there and watch me die.” He rubbed a thumb over Loki's knuckles. ”Maybe I didn't call just to prove you wrong.”

”Well, I'd say you did”, Loki muttered, voice a bit hoarse and strangled.

”Then that's a first.” Tony managed to flash him a shadow of his old grin, and despite everything, Loki found himself smiling back.

* * *

Loki never said he would stay - he just did.

He never tried to talk Tony out of his plans, because Tony had been right; he'd known all along he couldn't. Once Tony's mind was made up about something, there was no going back. And watching him struggle, Loki felt he couldn't blame him. He understood.

He just had one question: ”So what happens tomorrow?”

”Jarvis has his orders already”, Tony explained. ”He'll get the paramedics here to take me away. But first he'll call Rhodey over here to take care of the reactor. The piece of shit killed me, but I don't want it in the wrong hands, you know? So I made sure to rig things so he'd be in town on a meeting. Also a damn shitty thing to do, but he's the only one I trust to deal with it.”

”He doesn't know either?”

Tony shook his head. ”And he never will. The stuff I found will be out of my system after a few hours. There'll only be the palladium left, so that'll be the official cause of death. As it damn well should be.” He gave Loki a faint smile. ”All that's taken care of.”

They watched the sunset then, just like Tony wanted, and they talked. About old times. Not their time together, but about the years when they had been friends, when everything had still been simple.

When darkness fell, Loki helped Tony out of his seat and into the bedroom of the suite. Their bedroom, once. On the bedside table there were already three innocuous-looking pills waiting next to a glass of water. Loki couldn't watch him swallow them, but he made himself get down on the bed when Tony did, curl up behind him as his big spoon, the way he always used to, and wrap an arm around his chest. One of Tony's hands came to hold on to his wrist.

”You know in a way it's funny”, Tony murmured, already a bit slurred. ”I always thought if things had been different, I'd have been happy to spend the rest of my life with you. And now I sort of will.”

Loki squeezed his eyes shut, felt tears run down the side of his face, but kept his voice fairly steady. He was proud of that. ”I would have been happy to spend the rest of my life with you, too. And I'm sorry I didn't come back sooner.”

”'Sn't matter. Here now.” Tony's fingers held on to his wrist a bit harder, and then slowly started going slack as he drifted off to sleep.

His body gave the tell-tale little twitch when he fell asleep completely. Loki pressed his forehead in between his shoulder blades, curled his arm a little tighter around him, knowing he wouldn't wake up. Would never wake up. Even though he could still feel Tony's ribcage flex with slow breaths, and his heart beat a just slightly unsteady pulse under Loki's palm.

Tony had told him he didn't have to stay until it was all over, and he thought that he should probably get up, leave while he would still be able to tell himself he could remember Tony alive. But every time he thought he should, he decided to stay a while longer.

After all, Tony had wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. Loki figured that since he could grant him that last wish, he should.


End file.
